Priesthood Session -- An Insider's View

There are many reasons to miss the priesthood session of General Conference -- you're not Mormon, you're not a guy, you don't have the priesthood, you're trampled by a horde of lusty women at Sizzler before the meeting begins, your car breaks down, you can't find your tie...the list goes on.

If you've never been to a priesthood session because of these, or any other reason, then this post is for you.

Ordinarily we men are pretty tight-lipped about priesthood session. Go ahead, ask the closest priesthood holder to you *right now* what any of last Saturday's talks were about, and he'll act like he can't remember a thing. It's all a ploy to keep from revealing what I'm about to reveal to you now. I only hope that one of my brothas doesn't stick me with a shiv for being a snitch.

Priesthood holders slowly trickle in to their chapels before the session starts. Those of us who appreciate the feel of a cushioned bench over the cold, hard steel of a folding chair get there about 15 minutes before the meeting starts. To entertain ourselves, we watch a little timer in the corner of the screen counting down the time to start, then yell "Blastoff!" when the clock reaches zero.

The music for the Priesthood Session has an important role to fill. Already the session has two things going against it: 1) it's in the evening and 2) it's attended by men. Therefore, the music is almost always something upbeat, like Onward Christian Soldiers....because if they dared sing Sweet Hour of Prayer they'd have a lot of Sleepsthood Holders on their hands.

The first speaker of the session is always one of the Apostles. He gets what I call the "sweet spot" in the program, because everyone is still alert and attentive when he speaks. Our Malibu Chicken platters have not had a chance to fully settle in our stomachs and make us sleepy.

The second two speakers are usually drawn from the 70s or the Young Men's presidency, and they always address their talks to the Aaronic Priesthood holders. And the second they say that, there's this big, palpable exhale that goes through the chapel as the Melchezidek Priesthood holders all think to themselves "This is for the kids? Okay, I'm just going to relax..." and sink down in their seats.

By the end of speaker number three, there is definate need for a boost, and that's why there's always an intermediate hymn. Again, this is usually something to get the blood going again, like Behold! A Royal Army! This is also a great time to unwrap any noisy candy wrappers that you might have.

If it's a Spring Conference, at this point Lloyd Newell will interupt and throw it to Greg Gumbel for an update of the March Madness game(s) we're missing.

We may even get to see the last couple of minutes of a game if it's close. Oh, yes...it happens. Why do you think the churches have satellites? Do you think the church really puts a satellite in each stake center just to host a few conference a year? Nope, they need them to get TV feeds from various sporting events. (Note: at the Fall Conference the feed goes to Chris Fowler and Lee Corso for an update on college football. As it turns out, there's not a Saturday night in the whole year where we're not missing a sporting event to go to Conference.)

The next three speakers are always the First Presidency. President Uchtdorf will tell a story about airplanes. President Eyring will get close to crying without actually crying. President Monson will quote from the play Shenandoah. It's a guarantee that one of them will tell us to stop looking at pornography and stop hitting our spouses.

After the meeting is over, you've never seen a quicker, more organized mass exit from a building in your life. Fire officials should come and study just how we manage to evacuate so many people from one building without a single trampling.

I'd like to tell my wife how much I love her.

Amen.