Shopping for toilets -- a crappy way to spend the evening

As you may be aware from previous posts, we have been remodeling our upstairs bathroom over the past couple of months. The general overhaul was spawned by the need for a new toilet, but it soon burgeoned into new paint on the walls, new tile on the floor, and soon, I'm sure, a new bathmat/shower curtain/toothbrush holder ensemble. We have enough Star Wars Slurpee cups that we could spare one as a toothbrush/toothpaste holder, but apparently Star Wars bathmats and shower curtains are out of the question.

Anywho, after several hundred dollars and dozens of man hours to fix everything else, it was actually time to start toilet shopping. Toilet shopping left me amazed and perplexed. Let's just say that as a society, we've come a long way from taking poops in a ditch.

Toilets have lots of features these days. You can buy taller toilets so you don't have to sit so low (free business tip to whomever wants it: create a line of customized 'low rider' toilets for those that don't want to sit so high). You've seen round toilets; you've seen elongated toilets; but now you don't have to be limited to one or the other....that's right: you, too, can enjoy the spaciousness of an elongated toilet in the same amount of space as a round toilet! Introducing the 'compact elongated' toilet! Why should you have to decide between elongated and round? You deserve the best of both worlds. Throw in a cup holder and I'm sold.


I also enjoyed a state-of-the-art flapperless toilet tank which featured (no lie!) the patented "Niagara" system. The "Niagara" system collects water at the top of the tank in a trough. When you pull the flush handle, the trough tips over and releases the water, like the rolling mists of Niagara itself, into the bottom of the tank and into the bowl. What an age we live in.

Another thing I noticed was that toilets have a 'flush rating.' This is based on a number of factors, including water amount, tank-to-bowl orifice size, the manner in which the water is dispersed around the bowl, and the drain size. The higher the flush rating, the less likely the toilet is to clog, or require second flushes. At Lowe's, flush ratings are on a scale of 0 to 5 stars. There was a disturbing number of toilets signs that said "Flush Rating Not Currently Available." Yeah right, like I'm going to by a toilet that doesn't have a flush rating yet. That has 'disaster' written all over it. At Home Depot, the flush rating is a scale from 1 to 10. I saw one with a 10 rating, and underneath it it said "Best." But I had to scratch my head when I saw a toilet with a 2.5 rating, which was subtitled "Good." Since when is 2.5 out of 10 good for anything, much less washing human waste away from your house? Talk about flush rating inflation...

The worst part, though, was the images that the toilet gurus and mucky-mucks put in your head to convince you that their toilet is the best. The first one I saw was: "Strong enough to flush a tennis ball." Ewww! What on earth would I need to flush a tennis ball for? I don't know what it was about that image...the sphereness, the bouyancy, or the sheer diameter of a tennis ball....but I just crossed my legs thinking about it.

Another toilet promised: "Can flush 150 feet of toilet paper without clogging." First of all: 150 feet of toilet paper is a LOT of bad Mexican food. But does ANY toilet need to be able to flush 150 feet at once? If someone uses 150 feet of toilet paper before they flush, then I've got news for them: they have bigger problems than what kind of toilet they have.

Another sign said: "Can flush a bucket of golf balls without clogging." That might be an attractive feature...if I was an elk. Or a rabbit. I'm still not comprehending how this promise is supposed to make me buy that particular toilet.

I'll tell you right now what they need to put on these signs:

"Can flush a GI Joe / Barbie doll / Tonka truck without clogging"
"Will not damage cell phones dropped inside" [shoutout to Hannah]
"Guaranteed to not stop working so you have to replace it, your bathroom flooring, your wall paint, and your shower curtain/bathmat/toothbrush holder ensemble"

Quinn

Happy Birthday EMMA!

Yesterday was Emma's 1st birthday. I can't believe it. This year has gone by so fast.

Emma is the joy of our life and we never want to go back to life without her. She definitely has her own personality already. She loves to go and go. She doesn't stop for cuddles and barely stops for food. Emma loves to play indoors and out. She loves her walks, reading books, singing, and she is even starting to dance to music. She loves push buttons and hug stuffed animals. She will take all five of hers out of her toy basket, give them a hug and throw them over her shoulder to move onto the next one. She loves to imitate noises and hand gestures and getting really good at the few she knows. She is still crawling for the most part but is very happy to walk along furniture and with help. She still has not said any coherent words but jabbers all day long. Emma still loves to smile and that smile is getting filled up with teeth (7 already). We love our Emma.

We celebrated her birthday with her Grandma and Grandpa Lavender and Van Bibber. Along with Great-Grandma Lavender and Great-Grandma and Great-Grandpa Zundel. Aunt Anne and Uncle Taylor were also there. We had everyone over Saturday night because that was the night everyone was available. I know some of you are thinking about the BIG game. But Quinn and everyone else made the sacrifice and taped the second half - GO UTES. Just put me down for the worst wife ever award for two years in a row now (Quinn missed the game last year because Emma decided to be born that weekend). Quinn has now been asked to write this and only this game on the calender every year so that we can avoid this conflict in the future.

Well, we still had a great night, despite Emma and myself being sick with colds. Emma did perk up for the party and soon figured out how to unwrap her presents. She received: books, blocks, big cars and little cars, and tons of clothes. We then had cake and ice cream. Emma got her own cake to dig into and boy did she dive right in and loved it!

Presents!

Playing with her blocks.

The Cakes!

We had been practicing blowing with Emma this past month but never with a live flame and so what did she do she tried to grab it and we all gasped and so she go shy and worried and so I had to blow the candle out for her.

Comment by Quinn: Lauralee is really understating the gravity of this moment. We almost let our baby light her face on fire. We had anticipated her trying to grab the candle (see above picture where her hands are being restrained); however, we had not anticipated her diving forward headfirst toward the candle, which is exactly what she did. I caught it all on videotape, and if there were a TV program called America's Worst Videos Where Parents Almost Lit Their Baby's Face on Fire, we would be a shoo-in for the $10,000. Shame, shame, shame on us. If I were a Boy Scout, my Firem'n Chit would be revoked immediately. Now back to Lauralee's regularly-scheduled blog post:

What a cute Birthday Girl!

I LOVE CAKE!

Happy 1st Birthday Emma! We love you!
Mom and Dad

Playing in the Leaves!

For anyone who has ever been to our house you know we have huge trees that line the back fence and give us privacy all summer. But come fall, all thoses beautiful trees shed their leaves and we end up having to rake them. This year my mom (Grandma Van Bibber) decided that she needed some exercise one day while Emma was taking a nap. She raked all of our leaves into piles for us and then came back another day with Taylor and the truck and help me load them up. Mom, thank you so much. You don't know how much we appreciate all your help!! Before loading the truck though we had to let Emma play a bit. What little kid doesn't like playing in the leaves?

Emma and Grandma Van Bibber

Yes, I did catch her!

See here she is later, playing with Taylor and Sophie!

I don't know if you remember in a previous post that I mentioned we were redoing our bathroom up stairs. Well we are still working on it. Dad has been here a few nights putting in the new tile with Quinn as his helper. WE REALLY APPRECIATE having a Dad who is so generous with his talents and time to come and help us do this. We wouldn't be able to do it with out you Dad so thanks. The tile looks great we can't wait to get the grout put in on Saturday so we can go shopping for a new toilet and finally get our bathroom back. It has been a long time (almost two months). I won't know what to do in the middle of the night, I won't have to walk all the way downstairs anymore. Well here are some pictures of the hardworking, professional tile layers. Keep up the good work, men!

Master Cutter!

Master Installer!

Quinn likens the scriptures

Last night Lauralee and I were reading in Mosiah chapter 11. Two things always stick out at me when I read this chapter:

1) What the heck is ziff?

2) King Noah's high priests have these special thrones with breastplates that they can rest their bodies on while they're speaking 'lying and vain words' to the people. I always thought it was funny that these guys were so incredibly lazy that they couldn't even hold their own bodies up.

This morning, at 3 AM, while I was trying to rock Emma back to sleep, I thought about that scripture again. I was exhausted and trying to get our baby girl to fall asleep again without falling asleep myself. I couldn't get comfortable in the rocking chair, and my head would start to bob as my body yearned for sleep. What I wouldn't have given for a breastplate, or perhaps a head rest or chin strap to hold my body up while I rocked our little girl to sleep. Today as I drag my tired butt around the office, I wish I had some sort of attachment to my office chair that would let me take a 30-minute power nap.

Noah's priests weren't lazy; they all had 1-year-olds who wouldn't sleep through the night.

Best Syrup Siren (Winner)

Your choice for the best syrup spokeswoman is...Mrs. Butterworth. In fact, it was unanimous. Most people agreed that her best quality was that the jar is shaped like her. Others admired her recent crossover into Geiko commercials (to me, that's a commercial sell-out and she loses points for having done it). Anyway, poor Aunt Jemima didn't receive a single vote. I bet she'd kick Mrs. Butterworth's butt in a fight, though.

Daddy/Daughter Weekend

Yes, if you can believe it, LLL has given me progressive levels of fatherly responsibility, which culminated in an entire weekend of watching Emma all by myself. Two weekends ago Laura went with her folks down to Cedar City for Carly's wedding reception. We weren't sure that Emma would enjoy another car ride of that length (we'd been down to St. George the previous week), so the two of us stayed home.

The weekend was pretty uneventful, with the following exceptions:

1) On Saturday morning, I wanted a bowl a cereal. I walked into the kitchen to get one when I heard Emma pulling books off the bookshelf. I pulled her away from the book shelf and ran back to the kitchen. Just as I reached for the cereal box I heard another noise in the front room. Emma had obviously teleported across the room and was now pulling DVDs off the DVD rack. I pulled her away again and still didn't have any cereal in my bowl when I heard her pulling other miscellaneous things off of yet another shelf. That's when I called for drastic measures. I dragged the coffee table and the piano bench over to block way to the piano and kitchen. I grabbed two kitchen chairs and blocked the area between the two couches. And finally, to thwart her attempts to play with the lamp cord, I tipped the rocking chair over in front of the lamp. By the time Emma pulled all of her toys out of the basket, and with 5 pieces of furniture strewn about, our living room looked more like a war zone than a living room. Oh, and I did get some cereal finally. Colossal Berry Crunch. Mmmmmmmm.....
2) Emma has developed 'tickle spots' under her armpits. This has been the source of much joy for me. Now I can hear the healing laugh of a child...whenever I want!
3) Emma has also discovered how to shoot her cereal bits across the room by applying pressure with her finger against her tray, until the bits shoots out of there, ala Tiddlywinks. Cute the first time. Not so much thereafter.

Note to my wife: Daddy/Daughter days are fun. Daddy/Daughter weekends are a lot of work. Please don't make me try Daddy/Daughter week.

Quinn

Farewell, funky punkin

You will all probably remember our adopted child, the funky punkin, who graced our lives with his emergence between the slats in our fence (if you don't remember, click here).

Alas, winter is upon us, and it's time for funky punkin to move on. Though he will soon be gone, at least we have lots of memories...and a few pictures.

Who can forget what a cute little baby funky punkin was. He was big, too. He was quite the chunky punkin.

That unfortunate 'goth period' during junior high school. He was quite the spunky punkin.

Funky punkin's first girlfriend, Gourdana. He was quite the hunky punkin.

First day of college. Always a book junkie punkin.

And finally, punkin's first Utah football game. Cheering Utah on to victory against every opponant in an undefeated season. I guess you could call him a Utah football skunky punkin.

Goodbye, funky punkin. We hope you visit us again next harvest.

Quinn

How a BYU fan saved Thursday night

On Thursday night my friend Joe invited me over to his house to watch the big Utah/TCU match up. I was really excited to go; Lauralee modified her schedule to let me go (side note: this had as much to do with my recent pining as it did with Lauralee supporting my love of University of Utah football. I had been complaining that I never get "guys night" even though she gets "girls night" regularly.)

At work that day I was talking to a co-worker and I mentioned that it was fortunate that my friend had invited me over to watch the game, because I wasn't sure that the CBS College Sports Network was found on my or my dad's cable package. My co-worker said: "Are you sure your friend has this channel?" to which I coolly replied, "He's a big Utah fan, and I'm sure he wouldn't invite friends over if he didn't have the
channel."

Can you see where this story is going?

After I show up to Joe's house I casually ask him, "You DO have the channel, right?" He says to me, he says "It's on CBS, of course I have CBS." At this point I feel a little nauseous and explain to him that CBS is different than CBS College Sports Television. A quick run-through of his TV channels reveals the horror: Joe does NOT, in fact, have the channel. Another friend shows up, and the next thing I know, Joe's upstairs on the phone trying to get through to Comcast to purchase whatever upgrade is needed to get that channel. It's now a few minutes after 6, and the game has begun. I hear Joe yelling in the phone. Comcast is not answering the phone due to the "unusually large quantity of phone calls." No doubt the Salt Lake Valley is filled with fans who, at a few minutes after 6, are all realizing that they don't have the channel either, and are desperately calling Comcast to find out what the dealio is.

Another friend shows up. We're in a state of disbelief. I turn on a radio to find that TCU has the ball and is getting ready to score. The latest friend to arrive suggests that Joe call some of the guys in the ward to see if THEY have the channel. Joe calls several guys. He even leaves a voicemail for a guy telling him to 'call back immediately; there has been a tragedy.' Several more phone calls, and then an incoming call from the guy wanting to know what the tragedy is.

Joe: "Hey, what are you doing right now?"
guy: "Watching the game"
Joe: "Oh, that's cool. I was going to watch the game with some friends. They're all here right now. But I don't have the channel."
guy: "I see."
Joe: "I wouldn't want to invite myself...and my friends....over, but if you invited us over, that would be okay."
guy: "Are you sure you want to watch the game with me?"
Joe: "I'm sure."
guy: "You know I'm a BYU fan, right?"
Joe (without any hesitation whatsoever): "We'll brink chips and drinks."

And we're halfway out the door while Joe tries to figure out what to do with this two little girls (ages little and littler). The next thing I know, I'm sitting next to a guy I've met once at Joe's house in a car being driven by a guy I met 12 minutes ago on the way to the house of a guy I've never met. And HE'S a BYU fan! Joe had to stay back at his apartment until his wife got home to watch the kids.

Well, the great thing about guys and football is that is was not important that none of us knew each other. The miracle of the Utah football game was already underway.

Miracle #1: The apartment we went to to watch the game had a gigantic hi-def flatscreen television and leather sofas.

Miracle #2: The pizza arrived just a few seconds before halftime. So did Joe.

Miracle #3: The TCU placekicker misses two clutch field goals in the final 5 mintues to keep the door open for the Utah victory.

Miracle #4: Brian Johnson actually leads the Utes all the way down the field and caps it with a touchdown with less than a minute to go to win the game.

Miracle #5: The gay guy who apparently lives in the apartment next door decided not to crank his techno music at all during the football game.

Miracle #6: The BYU guy who let us crash at his apartment is actually quite cool.

So thanks, Travis the BYU guy, for saving the evening. We couldn't have done it without you.

Halloween and Stuff

Happy Halloween!! Emma had no idea that it was a special day but she put up with me taking her to work and over to the cousins house so we could show her off to all the Lavenders. We then stayed home and handed out candy. Later Grandma and Grandpa Van Bibber with Uncle Taylor and Aunt Anne came by for pizza and a scary movie, The Messengers. I also hate scary movies and I don't think I need to see this one again even though it was good. I had a hard time getting up for a bathroom break in the middle of the night. Quinn would not get up and go all the way downstairs with me (still remodeling the bathroom upstairs). Do we ever grow out of being just a little bit scared? Anyway it was a great night, until Emma decided that she wanted to continue the party at about 1:00 am. That girl can not handle any kind of break in her bedtime routine. She was wired and went to bed late and that was without any candy. Oh well.

My co-workers and yes that is Enema Man - he thought it would be fitting.

With the Cousins - Sarah the football star, Christian the whoopee cushion and Nichole the army girl, with the cutest monkey ever.

And now some miscellaneous pictures:

Whee!

I've seen Emma sleep on her knees with her little bum in the air and I finally got a picture of it. Enjoy.

Better syrup spokeswoman?

Aunt Jemima ..... or Mrs. Butterworth?

Leave your vote in the comments section.

Quinn

The best leporine adverting mascot (winner)

The winner of the inagural random face off (Trix Rabbit vs. Nesquik Bunny) is....

The Nesquik bunny. In addition to garnering more votes from the blog-goers, it was a sentimental favorite for me, because when I was a kid I had this mug:

Which I loved with all my little kid heart.

So, well done, voters! You got this one right.

Quinn