A Christmas Mystery

If you were shopping for a toy for your child, and you saw a box at the store with this picture on it:

...you'd probably expect to find this inside the box:

Right? And for all of you, this would be true. However, if you're Quinn and Lauralee, when you open a box with that picture on it, you find these:

What in the world? i'm sure you're asking yourself right now. Well, you have a right to know. So here goes.

The Fisher Price Rock, Roll n' Ride was on our watchlist for Emma for Christmas for several months. It can be adjusted as a child grows older from a rocking-horse-type ride, to a big wheel with parent handle, to a standard big wheel. We kept our eyes on sale prices, and then Laura found it at Smith's Marketplace, on sale, adding to it a coupon and buying it at a killer price. We kept it hidden until the 23rd of December, when I took it to my parent's house to assemble it in preparation for Christmas morning. When I cut open the box, however, I did not find a Fisher Price Rock, Roll n' Ride. Instead I found a green purse filled with lip balm, a doorknob and deadbolt set, a Swiss Army knife and wallet set, and a roll of pink duct tape. All items were new, in original packaging, with tags attached. The only shred of a connection to the actual trike was a solitary Fisher Price sticker meant to go on the handle bar.

Beyond bewildered, I called Laura to tell her what I found. Her main cause for concern was that it was 36 hours to Christmas morning and we didn't have the main gift for our daughter. My main concern was what in the world was I going to tell the lady at the Returns desk at Smith's Marketplace.

Me: "Uh, yeah, I ... uh ... bought this box at your store and when I opened it ... uh ... it, like, didn't have any of the stuff I wanted in it. Instead it had this (dumping the random items out of the box onto the Customer Service desk)"

Clerk: "Get the crap out of my store. (On the phone) Security!!!"

Me: "No, no, I swear. Somebody -- other than me -- took out what was in here, filled the box with a purse, some duct tape, lip balm, a wallet, a knife, and a doorknob, and put it on your shelf and then I bought it."

Clerk: "Uh huh."

Me: "Right, but then I opened it and as it turns out, I don't really want a purse, some duct tape, lip balm, a wallet, a knife, and a doorknob. I kind of just want the thing on the picture on the front of the box."

Clerk: (clearly stalling until security can arrive) "Okay, why don't you tell me about any other things you bought that weren't really what you bought"

Me: "Hmmm. I can tell that you don't really believe me. I know this looks weird, but (Security Guard arrives, interrupting)

Security Guard: "I'm going to give you five seconds to leave the store before I punch you in your face."

In actuality, the folks at Smith's were quite nice, and did, in fact, believe my story and take the box back. One employee even began putting the contents of the box back on store shelves, despite the fact that none of the price tags said Smith's Marketplace on them (one said Fred Meyer, but our Smith's hasn't been a Fred Meyer in about 10 years.)

Relieved at not being punched in the face by a security guard, I realized that we may have trouble finding a replacement trike a) at this store b) at any store for a comparable price c) at any store period d) at any store period before Christmas morning. And my fears were confirmed.

There have been several movies made that chronicle the efforts of a parent, scrambling about on Christmas Eve, trying with all their might to find a popular last-minute Christmas toy for their child. None of them are funny, though, and now I know why. I spent a very long lunch break on Christmas Eve travelling across the valley, visiting all Wal-Marts, Shopkos, Targets, and K-Marts in my path. A total of 6 stores, to be exact. And by the time I checked the last one, I was not having fun. I was looking to hit somebody in the groin with a football. In a last, desperate attempt, I went to a Toys R Us, knowing very well that the item I wanted may be in stock, but also knowing that it would probably cost eight hundred dollars more than we paid for it at Smith's. But me, a broken-down and tired dad, shuffled to the back of the store, found the trike, and -- admitting defeat -- slowly signed my life away at the Toys R Us register, relying 100% that the look on Emma's face on Christmas morning would be my ultimate payoff and instantly restore in me the spirit of Christmas.

Christmas morning, bow on the steering wheel, miniature personalized "Emma" licence plate hanging down, video camera at the ready, I waited for Emma's reaction when she came down the stairs. Grumpy Emma, whose only words were "Watch T.V.?" wouldn't even look directly at the trike. When I tried to put her on it, she started screaming.

I should have just given her the purse, the lip balm, the wallet, and the doorknob. Probably not the knife.

Quinn

Oh, and by the way: I'm dying to hear what kind of explanation any of you can come up with for the box with the random contents. Leave your thoughts in the comments sections.

Bellies!

These are my three best friends from high school who I still see on a regular basis and yes we are all pregnant at the same time. What are the chances? We are also all due with in 6 weeks of each other. From left to right: Jessica 29 weeks, Brooke 36 weeks, Melissa 34 weeks and myself 29 weeks. Its going to be real fun at our playdates this summer with all theses babies. We may have to meet outside from now on with so many kids between the four of us, there will be 10. WOW!

Snow Day!

We finally got enough snow to go out and play in the week between Christmas and New Years. This was Emma's first time playing in the snow and she had a blast. Quinn was so good to spend the time out in the cold with her. See how cute they are. They wish it had been good snowman making snow but it wasn't. Oh well, maybe next time.

Christmas!

It's time to post all those Christmas pictures finally. Emma is down for a nap, I finished my book this morning and the playroom has been painted (more to come on that). We had a great Christmas. Here are some of the highlights.

Christmas Village in Ogden

Mom, Quinn, Emma,Taylor, Anne and Cousin Jenny

Christmas Eve with the Lavenders

Diane, Loren, Angie and Aunt Pat

Nicole, Sarah, Lauralee

Fireman Tanner helps out with the retelling of the Night Before Christmas from a fireman's perspective.

Uncle Jim and Shawn

Quinn telling the Nativity story

Christmas Morning

When Emma got up that morning all she wanted to do was watch T.V. She was very upset that I would not let her. As I have mentioned Emma is not a morning person and she was up late the night before so she was very tired. Even as we came downstairs and turned the corner and saw the presents she still asked to watch T.V. until I gave her her stocking and she found some fun things to play with in there.

She went straight for the candy of course.

Checking out her new trike. She loves to have Daddy push her as her legs are not quite long enough. She also wants Daddy to give her animals a ride but he draws the line and makes her do it. It is so cute.

Quinn opened this and said, "Look what Santa brought US Laura. Isn't it great?"

Quinn made me a blanket!!

Quinn got a new MP3 player!

Grandma and Grandpa Lavender stopped by to see what Santa brought.

Emma's favorite toy of the morning was a Sesame washcloth. Go figure.

Christmas Afternoon with the Van Bibber's

Carly

Daniel, Hannah, Taylor

Emma knows just what to do!

Quinn, Jeff and Carly

Play food!!

The Day after Christmas with the Lavenders

A piano!

Emma spent the whole day going back to the candy dish!

More presents!

Playing peek-a-boo with Aunt Angie!

What a Christmas. Thanks to all who made is so special. We love you!!

Two Family Christmas Parties!

Well it is certainly that time of year for family to get together. Our first family Christmas party was for my Dad's fathers side. No matter what it never fails to snow on that day. This was Saturday Dec. 5Th, the day it snowed and the snow really only stuck to the roads. As we were driving along I-215 we counted at least 8 accidents with emergency vehicles. There were even several trucks that had rolled. Luckily we and all our family made it safely to the party where we enjoyed yummy food and a pinata for the kids.

Emma with the snowman pinata and my cousins Tiffany and Rachel.

Cousin Harley got a great swing in!

I think I have mentioned before that Emma LOVES snowmen and so when the kids started hitting it she got a little upset. She did however take one swing at it.

Once the snowman broke and candy came out I think she decided that it was all right.

We had another family party they next Saturday with my Mom's family. Quinn joined the family for bowling while I tried and failed to get Emma to take a nap at Mom's house. I didn't think bowling would be the best thing for me. Quinn said they had a great time even though he lost. After a great meal we played some games and then did our white elephant gift exchange which was a blast. Emma opened a book about pirates but by the end she was very happy to trade for a box of Ritz crackers.

Emma opening her pirate book.

Quinn ended up with this great Tikki mask which he thought was awesome.

Merry Christmas everyone and thanks for the fun parties!

How Not to Repair Your Kitchen Faucet

We have one of those kitchen faucets where the faucet itself can be removed from the base and used as a sprayer. Convenient, yes. But what happens when the plastic hose that runs from your water source to your faucet forms a tiny crack that only leaks when the hose is bent a certain way? Well, if you're my family, you don't do anything. Because you have no idea that the hose has a crack, and you have no idea that the plywood under the back half of your sink has absorbed enough water to rival a BLM marshland. In most houses, where the wood under the sink is solid, or finished, or covered in some kind of vinyl-like coating, any type of water leaking would pool up and be discovered the first time someone reached for the Comet. But for an unknown reason, the previous owners of this house screwed half-inch plywood to the existing flooring underneath our sink, such that while our hose crack was irrigating the back portion of our cabinet, the water seeped down deep into the wood, while the front portion (where our Comet is) remained bone dry. I always thought it was weird that they had installed this plywood. You can see that the original bottom had been finished to some extent -- there is some of that wallpaper-for-cabinet-bottoms sticking out from underneath the plywood. I've always been curious as to what purpose the plywood served, but have never removed it, thinking that perhaps it conceals a hidden compartment where dead bodies are hidden. Or perhaps some type of water damage from the last faucet malfunction.

Regardless of the reason for the plywood, I was irritated to learn that our faucet had been leaking for an undisclosed amount of time. And I was determined to do something about it. I mean more that call my father-in-law and ask him to fix it.

I'm not a handy person. In fact, earlier this year, when I received some junk mail telling me that I had been chosen to join the Handyman Club of America, I thought my identity had been stolen.

The truth is that I am not intrinsically un-handy, but I do lack important handy man skills such as good planning, good preparation, and good followthrough. Also I'm kind of lazy.

But -- I figured -- how hard can it be to replace a leaky hose on a kitchen faucet? (Turns out: harder than I thought). I replaced our shower head a few years ago, and it has a similar design. In fact, I got this fantastic idea to use a spare shower head hose to replace the leaky kitchen faucet hose. It fit perfectly, and I was just about to pat myself on the back when I turned the faucet on and water shot straight out of the hose connection over my face, chest, and part of the kitchen wall behind me. Okay, so lesson learned: shower parts and kitchen faucet parts are not interchangeable. But that's okay. I was just playing around anyway. How much fun could this fix-it project be if I did it with stuff that was just lying around the house?

So I went to Home Depot and picked out their best new kitchen faucet that was on clearance. There was a funny little cartoon guide to installing sinks posted on one of the racks at Home Depot. It said that professional handymen could install a new sink in about 30 minutes, an experienced do-it-yourselfer in about an hour, and a novice in about 2 hours. I figured I had at least two hours to do the job, so even if I failed to meet my own puffed-up ego's timeline, I had time to complete the job.

I got home and dove right in to the project. I twisted and contorted my body underneath the sink in such a way that, for a fat guy anyway, would make make a Cirque du Soleil performer drop to her knees in amazement. I couldn't help but wonder how my father-in-law would have fit if I'd asked him to help me. He's a big dude.

Another lesson learned: If you're going to get help from somebody, make sure it's somebody who at least has more experience than you...

Taking out the old faucet was the easy part. Which is sad, because at the end of the 'easy' part, I had a faceful of sweat and my back was killing me.

Lesson learned: You always have to replace more parts than you thought you would. I'm pretty sure that MacGyver installed my previous faucet, because the piping system looked like it had been made out of leftover parts from other projects. And, wouldn't you know it, but a) my new faucet didn't have the same size connectors to hook up to this stuff and b) the second I touched the old copper tubes, they started leaking like U-571.

Lesson learned: Worklight with hot bulb + cold water spraying on it like U-571 = bulb explosion. Yeah, I didn't see that one coming. But, on the plus side, cleaning up the shattered light bulb gave me a break from the ever-frustrating faucet installation.

It's now 11:00 PM. Laura has already gone to bed, and I've been at this for about 3 hours. I realize that a) I don't have the parts I need to replace the leaky ones b) I can shut off the water to prevent most of the leaking, but this leaves Laura and Emma without water for a whole day while I'm at work.

I decided that leaving my wife and child without water is an unpardonable sin, so I worked on devising some way to have a working water hookup while minimizing any leaking. Fast forward to 1:30 AM. I had successfully mounted the new faucet, at least, which of course was much harder than unmounting the old one, even though they were exactly the same steps done in reverse order. I discovered that one way to make it easier was to remove some of the drainage pipes from under the sink. I also discovered that you don't want to see what's in those pipes, or have the contents of those pipes land on your shirt, neck, and face.

I was able to use existing parts to hook up the hot water only; the cold water to the sink and refrigerator had to be shut off. I dragged myself to bed, leaving a note for Laura telling her that I had partially failed as male provider (I did leave the hot water on, after all) and that I'd be able to fix the rest the next day.

At work the next day I told a co-worker that I was "having problems with my plumbing" which of course made me burst out laughing after I heard it phrased that way. He told me about a place called England Plumbing on 33rd south in Salt Lake. It reminded me of a time my brother-in-law was trying to fix something and had ended up there after 3 trips to Home Depot. Still, there was a Home Depot up the street from me at work....and I didn't want to drive across the valley....so I went to Home Depot anyway. I had the hardest time explaining what I needed to the guy, but ended up with a handful of parts anyway which, once I got the car, I realized would not fit where I needed them to fit. So I broke down and stopped at England on the way home from work, where they were fanastic and got me everything I needed.

Once home, Laura forgave me for the lack of cold kitchen water, and kindly kept Emma out of the way as I tried to complete the project. The only remaining hiccup I had was with a compression fitting for the plastic tubing that went to our fridge. I got on the internet to see what I could find about compression fittings when I stumbled across a Readers' Digest article about replacing kitchen sinks. Step one was "Work on your project during the day when the hardware stores are open. Chances are you'll need to make at least one trip there during the project." Thanks, Readers' Digest. Step one of your article should have been "Read Readers' Digest article so that you're smart enough to work on your project during the day when the hardware stores are open."

Anyway, with all the right parts, I was able to successfully replace all the faulty pieces, attach all the new hoses to the new faucet, and successfully provide my family with water of both the hot and cold varieties.

So if any of you come over to our house, go ahead and make a big deal out of our kitchen faucet. Why? Because I bought the exact same model as our old one. So the average person won't even know there was a change.

Quinn