Single Daddy Diary; Entry Five

Dear Log,

I did it.  We did it.  Lauralee came back to us today in all her 4-days-of-girls-camp glory.

Today was still a fun day.  I mobilized my little army of house cleaners -- who had spent most of the week as a little army of house clutterers, and we got to work reassembling the house to something approaching the condition it was left in on Monday.  We were planning on Laura being back around noon....but as you have seen during this week, Log: nothing really goes according to plan.

Upon informing Emma and James that we needed to clean up the house, I got their standard reactions: Emma seemed willing to help on the surface, but regular progress checks showed that we was spending 4 minutes of playing with toys for every 1 minutes of cleaning up toys.  James' reaction was more stark: demand help from Dad (denied; Dad's still got dishes to do), then throw himself down on the floor and hope to high heaven that the toys magically clean themselves up.

For her part, Mia did pick a lot of things up....then toddled off to a random spot in the house and dropped them again.

When we got the text that Laura would be home an hour earlier than we had thought, we kicked it into high gear, and for just a minute, we all worked together in the spirit of peace, harmony, and not wanting Mom to find out what a mess we'd made.

We got pretty much everything straightened up and got the text stating that Laura was ready for pickup - we all looked like a little happy family.  Then, while running around the van to get inside, James totally biffed it on the concrete and scraped his knee.  Great.  Then the trauma of applying a cold rag (oh!  it has to be a "boy" wash cloth...don't you dare try to use a Sleeping Beauty washcloth) and a bandaid (oh! it better be a Cars bandaid because those skin-colored bandaids are no good).

Lauralee was the last leader to get picked up at the park, with her head hanging down, kicking a can down the gutter.

Conclusions:
I am very grateful for this experience.  I enjoyed interacting with the kids in new situations.  I think being with them all day taught me some perspective on what type of behavior is annoying, and what type of behavior is just normal.  I would be a horrible stay-at-home dad because I only wanted to relax during those quiet times when the kids were content (or asleep) -- in reality it's during those times that laundry can actually get folded with out Hurricane Mia wiping them out or floors can be vacuumed without somebody creating a crumb trail directly behind you.  At work when I get a "break" I don't have the option of throwing on some lounge pants and watching Saved by the Bell reruns on Netflix.  I'm more productive at work than I would ever be at home.  I love my wife and am glad we can do all this together.  Shout out to my wife who battles the kids alone while I'm at work.  And shout out to all those single parents who don't have a tag-team partner.  I'm glad that Laura is the Hulk Hogan to my Macho Man Randy Savage.

Exit Interviews:
I asked James and Emma few questions to sum up their week.

What your favorite thing you did this week?
James: Doing puzzles with you.
Emma: Getting Slurpees as a family

What did you miss most about Mommy?
James: When only Dad was here and Mommy was at the park.
Emma: Her love.

What was Dad really good at this week?
James: Cleaning up the playroom.
Emma: Doing fun stuff with us.

What was Dad really bad at this week?
James: I can't remember.
Emma: Yelling at us.

Would you ever like to do this again?
James: Uh-huh.
Emma: Yes.

Who is nicer at home?
James: Mommy and Daddy.
Emma: Both.

I think James summed up the week best when he said, "Daddy, I want you to stay home every day but I also want Mommy to come back."

Farewell, Log.  It's been nice chronicling this week but I have some Saved by the Bell episodes to watch.

Single Daddy Diary; Entry Four

Dear Log,

They've been in bed for 40 minutes and I think only one of them is asleep.  I think the others are plotting something.

Highlights/Lowlights for today:

• I accidentally smacked Emma in the forehead with a piece of playground equipment.  She regularly reminded me of this throughout the day, presumably when she noticed that I hadn't felt guilty about it for over 4 minutes.
• James complained (very loudly) about me....to his Star Wars action figures.  It's unclear if he did this because he knew I was listening and he wanted to vent his frustration, or just because his Star Wars guys are good listeners.
• We finally made it over to the church to play in the gym today, and promptly shot a nerf rocket into an irretrievable spot in the rafters.  Part of me wanted to get a facilities ladder and climb up there to get the rocket and find what I am sure is 30 years of other random sporting equipment.  But the other part of me didn't want to fall 40 feet off and ladder and die.  I am confident that the existence of our rocket in a rafter in the church gym will continue to be a source of trauma every Sunday from now on, as we walk by.
• Also at the church I uttered the following gems:
• "We came here to have fun.  If you're not having fun, we're going to leave."
• "You can't always win all the time.  If you're going to act like this every time you lose, we're going to leave."
• "Staying where I can see you was one of the rules.  If you're not going to follow the rules, we're going to leave."
• Note: eventually we did leave.
• At bath time there was a very unfortunate nipple twisting incident which necessitated a talk about private parts AGAIN.
• At some point today -- I have no clue when -- James changed his shirt.  I only realized this when I was Spray 'N Washing chocolate frosty on his white shirt when I realized he started the day wearing a red shirt.  I point this out only to confess that I dread the day when I lose one of my kids at Lagoon, and have to describe him to a security guard.  "Uh, let's see...he's a boy.  Yes.  He's got a boy haircut and he looks like a 4-year-old, and he was wearing clothes....I'm not sure what his clothes looked like but there's a really good chance they've got chocolate frosty stains on them."
• Million-dollar idea: Some kind of codpiece for dads to wear when their kids climb/jump/cannonball onto their laps for books at bedtime.
• Speaking of Spray 'N Wash...wouldn't it just save time to make a detergent that is entirely made up of Spray 'N Wash?  I think it was easier for me tonight to point out areas of James' shirt that were not stained.
• There are clothes in the dryer that I washed 3 days ago.  At some point today I lost one of Mia's pacifiers.  I haven't made my bed all week.  I consider it a victory that I showered the last 4 days.  I didn't remember to give the kids their vitamins at any dinner so far.  There is the same number of vegetables in the fridge right now as there was when Lauralee left.

The kids are all silent now.  Either they are all asleep or about to hatch an evil plot.  Either way, I'm going to bed.  Can't wait for my wife to get back tomorrow, Log.

Single Daddy Diary; Entry Three

Dear Log,

Yesterday I was complaining to Emma about Mia's WWE maneuvers when she was in my bed.  In her sweet little 6-year-old voice, she said, "Dad, when she wakes up early why don't you take her out of her crib and put her in the play pen in your room?"  Well guess what, Log?  I tried it this morning and it totally worked.  Mia woke up around 5:15...I brought her in my room and laid her down with her mighty stuffed animal army (it has ballooned recently to a teddy bear, sock monkey, cuddly dog, and duck with a rattle inside it...if you ask me the duck can't hold a candle to the other 3 but good luck telling Mia that) in the play pen and she fell right back asleep and didn't make a peep until about 8 AM.  It was delightful.  Also James chose to play Indiana Jones rather that Star Wars this morning and went to the trouble of moving big old folding chairs out of the doorway so he could shut the door and keep it quiet.  In other words: I finally got my beauty rest.

Emma got to spend time at Grandma Lavender's today, so I did what any dad with two (but not three) little kids would do with some free time: I went to Harbor Freight Tools.  As it turned out, no other dads had taken their little kids to Harbor Freight Tools.  There were a couple of guys there who had only a few more teeth in their mouth than I had kids in my cart.

The entertaining thing about this trip was that I only knew slightly more than James about the tools we were looking at.

James: "What's this, daddy?"
Me (squinting to see the description on the price tag): "It's a c-clamp, son."
James: "What's it for?"
Me: "Uh...for clamping things...that...uh...are too big for a  b-clamp."

One nice bonus about taking James to Harbor Freight was that he could be customer #2 when using my "one coupon per customer per day" coupons.

This afternoon I had a brilliant idea: take the kids over to the church and let them get some energy out by running around in an air-conditioned gym.  I got the kids all packed up into the van, along with an assortment of tennis and kick balls.  It was win-win: I tire the kids out and don't melt into a puddle while doing it.  I was pretty happy with the idea.  I rolled down all the windows in the van and cranked the Adele.  I even passed some neighbors on the way to the church who yelled out, "We love your blog!"  Yep, I'm the shizzle, I thought to myself.  I've totally got this daddy thing down.

Fast forward 50 yards to the church.  Trust me when I say that nothing exciting happened in that distance.

As I pulled up I saw a sign out on the lawn of the church.  Hmmm. Is it a Relief Society reminder?  A DI drive?  Then I saw it, and my heart sank: Blood Drive.  Today.  In the gym.  Curse you, American Red Cross!!!  My plans, foiled by the selfless, again!

The kids did not take it well.  How am I going to get out of this one?  As soon as I unbuckle them there's going to be a mutiny.  Maybe I can go the rest of the day without unbuckling them?  No, I'm pretty sure that's illegal.  I drove around the area, looking for something to do that could be both energy expending and not 150 degrees.  I asked all the kids to put on their thinking caps -- and was delighted to see Emma pantomime a cap placement, when I spotted the random "Brickyard Park" in Bountiful...you know the one: next to the Bountiful Jeep Posse building?  It was a godsend.  The playground was entirely shrouded in the shadow of several large pine trees.  We stopped.

The kids had a great time.  There was a tiny kid slide that Mia could climb up and go down all by herself; she must have gone 50 times while we were there.  There were also two parallel bars that sloped down like a slide.  Emma and James had contests where they went down the poles in different ways.  But the best part was that they name all their routines, so that when Emma slid down the poles laying all the way back she said, "I call this one "Relaxing.""  "Sideways Style" was going down on one leg.  I even invented one called "The Butt Slapper" which the kids did not think was as fun as I did.

After the park we grabbed a pizza and came home for family movie night.  Tonight was the special night I introduced them to Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.  Then on to bed.  I had the kids promise me that since I was letting them stay up late to watch a classic, heartwarming, and ultimately life-changing movie, the least they could do was get ready for bed in a hurry.  This specifically included NOT HIDING from me, with is one of my biggest bedtime PET PEEVES.  We can spend 15 1/2 hours together in a day, and during those 15 1/2 hours, it does not dawn on any of them to ask to play hide-and-seek.  But when bedtime rolls around, my goodness, they cannot hide fast enough.  Well, sure enough, when I came upstairs with James' medicine, he was nowhere to be found.  I shot him "the look" -- I know I've only been doing this for 3 days now, but I've already developed a "look" that I assume comes naturally to every care giver.  He immediately blurted out, "I wasn't hiding from you, Dad.  I waaaaaaasssssss........(his little 4-year-old brain desperately trying to think of an excuse) ...hiding from me!  Not you.  Yeah, there were two Jameses and I was hiding from the other one.  Just picture a 4-year-old Tommy Flanagan.

After bed, I brought some of the more important laundry down: my hockey jerseys.

I also did some laundry for the kids, but the real interesting thing about the laundry was not that I was doing it, it was what I found wedged in back of the washer: a wet pull-up.  Well, it had been wet once.  Now it was more crystalized.  But it still smelled like a wet pull-up.  I couldn't tell how long it had been back there, and the heck if I now HOW it got back there.  I'm waiting for the carbon-dating test results to come back.

Today was kind of slower than the other days so far, and this gave me a change to philosophize a bit:

• Does fruit punch have to made with red coloring that stains so badly?  Are there really not any red dyes that are just "kind of" red?  We can put a man on the moon, but we can't make a red dye that doesn't leave my kids looking like the Joker after drinking fruit punch at lunch?
• If a child sneezes, and it sounds like a booger came out, but you can't find a booger anywhere: does the booger exist?
• Luckily for us, cheap hairspray gets cheap ink off of cheap furniture.  If we ever bought expensive furniture, would we need to buy expensive hairspray?

Well, Log, it is very late.  I don't know how Lauralee does this every day.  I think if I were a stay-at-home dad I would use any free time I had to lie in my pajamas and watch The People's Court.  I wouldn't use it to clean, cook, or get the kids unstuck from each other.  They should have thought of that before they put 12 pieces of gum in their mouths.

Single Daddy Diary; Entry Two

Dear Log:

Today I got to "sleep in" until around 5:15 when Mia decided it was time to rise and shine.  Well, really it was more of "lie prostrate and whine."  But the funniest thing happened: I laid there and waited for several minutes for Laura to go in and get her.  It was a very rude mental awakening when I realized that nobody was going to stop that baby crying except me. Or God.  I did wait a few moments longer to see if God would do it, but He was busy, I think.

So I put Mia down in bed with me and she turned into a whirling dervish.  I don't believe I slept much after that; I do distinctly remember her diapered butt resting squarely on my face, and it was far too vivid to be a dream.

Around 7:15 I must have been drowsing because I was startled awake by two nearly simultaneous events: Mia PULLING MY HAIR -- I'm talking full-on caveman style -- and an unnecessarily loud first blast from the Star Wars theme coming from downstairs, where James had already turned on the Wii but had clearly not done a sound check before starting his game.

So this is Tuesday.

I found out at breakfast that Breakfast Diva Emma only eats pancakes and waffles with Nutella on them.  What happened to the days of getting Nutella in your Christmas stocking and rationing it for 5 months in tiny dollops?  Now my child is apparently entitled to eat chocolate frosting on all her breakfast items.

Today was my first test of getting-kids-ready-to-be-somewhere-important-and-on-time: Summer Recreation classes at the city park.  We arrived at the park with all socks and shoes intact, and with 5 minutes to spare.  In fact I began to panic because my kids were the first kids to show up for their individual classes, and I wondered if I'd gotten the time wrong altogether.  I hadn't though: all those other slacker moms began drifting in after us.

As I looked around the park at the other parents (all moms), I realized how out of place I was.  For one thing, I wasn't wearing yoga pants.  The moms were all nice to me with their words but I could tell from their looks that they were all a bunch of mother hens and they did not appreciate the rooster coming to visit.  Just kidding, everyone was nice.

On the way home, our Swagger Wagon {cough - mini van} had a flat tire sensor come on, so I took it up to the tire place.  James immediately climbed inside a large display tire and was inches from rolling right out of the display stand and rolling who-knows-where.  Keeping 3 kids entertained at a tire shop was not easy; I daresay even Lauralee couldn't have hacked it.  The highlight of this trip was when an employee got a bag of chips stuck in the vending machine.  James attempted to reach his skinny little arms up inside the machine to reach them.  He couldn't, of course, but at the moment he attempted it something gave way and the chips fell.  It scared James to death, and he scurried away without hearing the mechanic thank him, and tell the receptionist about the "cool little kid" who got his chips unstuck.

We had lunch at McDonald's, and it is official: Mia can out-eat both of her two older siblings.  McDonald's was crazy today.  Emma came over after just a few minutes of playing in the Playland because (this is a direct quote:) "It's too screamy in here."  Coming from one who is often the source of the 'screaminess,' this was truly amazing.

We all came home and cooled down in front of the television.  I finally made the kids turn it off and James and I played Candyland.  His 3rd card was Princess Frostine, which moved him near the end of the board.  Oh, man, he was so delighted.  He has a hard time accepting defeat.  "I'm going to win!" he chanted over and over again.  I silently wondered, "at what age should you introduce a child to the idea of Karma?"  Sure enough, he pulled the Grandma Nutt card.  He didn't freak out.  I'll save the Karma speech for another day.

Emma wanted to watch a DVD we had checked out from the library.  I told her we needed to do something else.  I said, "You've got my undivided attention.  If you could do anything with your dad right now, what would it be?" (I really walked into this one.)  She held up the DVD and said, "WATCH.  THIS.  DVD!"  I told her we needed to do something other than watch TV.  I didn't see her again for awhile.

When she came back, she handed me two scraps of paper that she had just made.

"I want to have a movie theater in our living room and go the movies with you, Dad."  Heart = melted.  She even stood at the entryway to the living room with a hole punch and punched our tickets.  We made popcorn and watched more TV together.

Despite James' prophesy that tonight's dinner would be "gross," it was actually well-received (spaghetti.)  I do, however, retract last night's statement that I keep a tidy kitchen.

Bed time was uneventful with this exception: while Emma was going potty, she casually but matter-of-factly stated, "I'm glad I have a big-girl butt now.  I was getting really tired of holding on to the sides of the toilet seat.  My big-girl butt fits just right.  But now my legs fall asleep sometimes."  And, sure enough, they did fall asleep, because when she got off the toilet, she fell down, grabbed one of her legs, and rolled around in a spectacle that would have made a European soccer player proud.  These are the moments that really make you glad to be a parent.

Good night, log.  I've got to get to bed so I can rest before my 7:15 hair-pulling appointment.

Single Daddy Diary; Entry One

Dear Log:
Day One of watching the kids while Lauralee is at Girls Camp is nearly over, and I guess the good news is that all 3 kids are still ambulatory and breathing on their own.  The day got off to a very inauspicious start with me stumbling around the house at 4 AM looking for Pepto Bismol for not one, but two kids.  I eventually found some (yay!) only to discover that you have to 12 years old to take it (boo!)  Thankfully my kids are prone to the placebo effect: I gave them some ibuprofen and miraculously their tummies felt better.  James, however, could not get back to sleep.  I don't remember all the details after that, but I remember waking up long enough to kiss Laura goodbye, and also notice that I was asleep in a recliner in James' room with a teddy bear blanket covering about 60% of my body (all the important parts.)

At breakfast I discovered that Emma, at the ripe old age of 6, has already developed into a world class breakfast cereal snob.  I was very anxious to serve cereal at breakfast because we have a stockpile of waffles and pancakes which, in an emergency, can substitute for lunch or even dinner.  When you serve pancakes for dinner, it's quirky and fun.  When you serve breakfast cereal for dinner, it's because you spent your last cash on smokes.

I would like to point out that we are neither cereal liberals or cereal conservatives.  Yes, we have had Cookie Crunch at our house before -- only once, when Laura's couponing made it negative seven cents on sale.  But we're also not forcing Mueslix on anybody either.  This morning we had a pretty sold lineup available: Fruit Loops, Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, Apple Jacks.

Upon being offered cereal for breakfast, Emma responded:  "I only like the cereal with cookies in it.  All the other cereals are gross."  I hope she doesn't notice that we're out of Grey Poupon.

The morning went rather well; the kids responded fairly positively to their assigned chores, and we ended up out in the backyard on the swing set, where I found out that if you swing all three kids to a certain height at a certain time, you can get 4 out of the 8 swing set legs off the ground at once!  It was pretty remarkable, really.

Later in the day we had "school" which the kids surprisingly got behind.  They came to the table with their backpacks, and filled in the empty chairs with other "students" (read: stuffed animals).  Emma finally memorized Mom's cell phone number and passed off a few more sight words.  James learned how to peek (through squinted eyes) at Mom's cell phone number.  Our home address and how to tie a shoe are still works in progress.  We interrupted our learning with coloring time, where Emma drew a fancy picture to give Mom when she gets home, and James drew a ghastly picture of me with sharp orange monster teeth and a blue beard.  We also had "dance time" to get out of our chairs and shake it.  Emma picked "Single Ladies" and James picked "Tequila."  Just about the time I was congratulating myself on getting them to sit and learn on a bright summer morning, I was informed that "this is boring" and was asked "when is recess?"  That brought me back to earth.

Things passed fairly uneventfully into the afternoon; I even thought I may have a chance at a brief nap until the combination of phone call / doorbell / phone call took care of that.

In the afternoon I figure too much TV had been watched and we needed to get outside so I floated the idea of walking down to the park for a few minutes.  James was in fine form by now.  He thought it was an awful idea.  When we finally convinced him we were going; he complained that the rest of us took too long to get ready.  When I told him what park we were going to, he threw a tantrum until I pointed out that "eenie meenie miney moe" had actually selected the park he had chosen; not Emma's.  We got to the park and man, it was hot outside.  The kids played "Ninjago" during their time there.  I attempted to join in, but not being an avid viewer of "Ninjago" I struggled mightily to understand my role.  The kids tried to help me understand what Lego ninjas would do and say, but ultimately my random "karate chops" didn't pass muster.  We headed home for dinner.

Perhaps the highlight of the evening came when I was preparing dinner.  I turned around to find James, armed with a microwave splatter lid as a shield and a banana as a sword, charging at his screaming sister.  Ahhhh.....good times.

At dinner I had to convince James that he does, in fact, like chicken nuggets.  To this he preemptively replied that whatever I was going to make tomorrow night would be gross.  So I guess I don't need to try very hard tomorrow night.  James did casually mention in his blessing on the food that he wanted Heavenly Father to make sure I didn't spank anybody.  Mission accomplished!  Prayers are answered!!!!!

All day Emma had been wiggling a loose tooth, trying to get it to come out.  I checked it repeatedly but it wasn't loose enough to yank.  After dinner she began to get very anxious about it all, eventually breaking down into the "I want my mommy" cry that I had hoped wouldn't come until Thursday at the earliest.  I consoled her on the issue of the tooth, but, still wanting to be inconsolable, she launched into a hasty assertion that our house might fall down, and that's why she was now crying.

You may wonder what Mia was doing all day?  For the most part she kept to herself.  She's in a weird stage where she gains immense satisfaction from moving things from one spot to another, then back again.  After putting the kids down for bed, I noticed a garbage can, which had thankfully been emptied early today, brimming with non-garbage items.  Apparently this garbage was chosen as the final resting place for many of the items Mia had handled today.  I just emptied said garbage, and below is a comprehensive inventory:

·         A stuffed horse

·         A book: Elmo’s Opposites

·         A passalong card

·         A rubber dinosaur, I believe it is a stegosaurus

·         2 bracelets

·         Make that 2 passalong cards

·         1 of Mom’s flipflops

·         A cow puppet

·         A CD wallet of family movies

·         A princess dress-up shoe

·         2 fake jewels

·         A keychain (no keys)

·         2 shoes and 2 socks belonging to Mia (I’m actually impressed by this as our kids struggle with keeping 2 of any matching items together)

·         Emma’s entire church bag, complete with Book of Mormon inside

·         A (non-functioning) cell phone

·         A fairy that I cannot identify

·         7 fake food items

·         A giant bag of baby wipes

·         Emma’s winter hat (how does anybody find a winter hat in the middle of July, much less a toddler?)

In conclusion I can say this about my day: despite my good intentions, I still let the kids watch way more TV than I planned on.  I keep a very tidy kitchen when I'm in charge, although I can't say much for the other rooms in the house.  I am already craving adult interaction.

Easter Egg Hunt

Immediately after pictures the kids got to go back to Grandma's for an Easter Egg Hunt. They all loved it, even Mia. These beautiful pictures were taken by my talented sister-in-law Hannah. Thanks for sharing Hannah. Then we all just hung out, talked, played games and ate the day away.

Emma was not happy about being told to let the little kids go first.

3

Mia

Lyla and Aunt Annie

Owen

Lyla

Emma

Cute Carly and baby Dylan

Checking out their loot.

James

Playing in the backyard and with the bounce house.

Van Bibber Family Pictures April 2014

During the few days that everyone in the family was here for Taylor's Homecoming we had family pictures. I think they turned out really well. We love them and actually had fun doing them. The kids were all amazing.

The Bachelor

 

The Treases

The Rocks

The Van Bibber

The Lavenders

The Parents

The Whole Family

The Original Family

Grandparents and Grandkids

Cousins