Olympic Jobs I'd Love

The Olympics are over now, and many of us have gone back to wondering what we're going to watch on TV each night now that Bob Costas isn't in charge of that. But even as the Olympic glow fades away, I can't help but think about how great it would be to work at the Olympics. Here are a few of the jobs I'd love to do:


Olympic Snow Painter


Olympic athletes didn't used to be so wimpy. They used to throw their goggles on and just ski. Now, however, they used polarized and tinted lenses to cut down the glare and, that nothwithstanding, they still need somebody to spray blue paint all the way down the mountainside so they know where they're going. I would be perfect for that job, because I think the folks that do it today lack imagination. I would not only highlight jumps, turns, and out of bounds, but I'd spray motivational messages in the snow for them to see while they skiied. Things like smiley faces, or "John 3:16". Imagine how great someone could ski if they saw "The Force Will Be With You, Always" staring back at them. Also, I'd occasionally use yellow paint just to keep things interesting.




Olympic Figure Skater Opening Routine Position Choreographer

This is really the job that sparked the idea for this post. You know how the figure skaters take to the ice, then skate around a little bit, and then glide to the center and contort themselves into some funny pose until their music starts? How on earth do they come up with that? And what are they supposed to be? I want to bring some sense back into this. I'm tired of weird poses like a girl with one arm in the air and the other wrapped around her and her head tilted to the left and one knee slightly bent. What does that even mean? If you're skating to "Eye of the Tiger" then start with your hands in front of you like a boxer. If you're skating to something from the Karate Kid soundtrack ("Best Around" or, if you prefer: "Cruel Summer") then start in the swan karate position. If you're skating to some random concerto by some random dead guy, then why all the emphasis on an intricate position that nobody gets? Just stand there, looking straight ahead, like you're getting your passport picture taken.

This would be a fine pose if you were skating to "Stairway to Heaven."




Olympic Ice Skating Ice Litter Picker Upper

I would love to be one of the people who skates around picking up litter off of the ice after a figure skater finishes his or her routine. I'm not a strong skater, but I'd just love to be able to pocket some of that free stuff. Just skating around, stuffing my sweatpants full of the stuffed animals and flowers that fall on the ice. Because let's face it, Kim Yu-Na isn't going to miss a stuffed unicorn. But Emma would love one.




Olympic Champion Flag Passer Outer

I always had a dream of competing in the final round of "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego." That never happened, but I could still flex my vexillogical muscle by watching a race, identifying the winning country, running over to the bench where all the national flags are kept, identifying the correct one, and delivering it to the winning team for use in their victory lap. Because how else can the South Koreans give the proverbial finger to the rest of the world except with a flag to wave around at everyone (and throw on the ground when they're disqualified). I would just love to be a part of that. And I'd still like to meet Rockapella.




Olympic Short Track Public Address Announcer

This is a cool job. This guy gets to tell everybody in the building to shut the heck up. Yep, he yells "shooosh" and everybody shooshes. Even the NBC commentators. Speaking as the father of a two-year-old, I know how hard it is to shoosh even a single person sometimes. But shooshing several thousand people must be euphoric. This guy also gets to say "Go . . . to the start" at the beginning of each race. That may sound boring, but there seems to be some prerequisite for this guy to have an Asian accent, and when you mix the words, the accent, and the intonation, the phrase just reeks of mystic power. Like Confucius himself was talking. Go ahead and ask Laura -- I've been practicing "Go . . . to the start" with an Asian accent for weeks now, and I think I'd do a darn fine job at the Olympics.




Olympic Cross-Country Snotcicle Groomer

Don't get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for these guys that cross country ski a distance which is equivalent to me making 2,000 trips from my desk to the candy machine. But dudes: you have frozen snot -- or snotcicles -- hanging from your face. You're embarassing yourself and your country. I don't suppose I'd love this job, as the title of this post indicates -- however I never thought I'd pick boogers out of my daughter's nose, either. So here we are.



Yes, the Olympics are over, but the spirit of painting snow, modeling other people, stealing stuffed animals, fantasizing about Greg Lee, impersonating an Asian announcer and touching someone else's mucus ... lives on.


Quinn